Another chance.. ?

Well after almost 24 hours it will be the beginning of another year. Another number. More 365 days of change. I believed that 2012 was the most shittiest year of my life .. however i am sure of it.. i am just confident that there is more shitty-ness to come.
Things i am sure of
1. I will definitely have tons of emotional ups and downs( now this is just normal)
2. I will surely find a new job (hopefully i dont end up crying the bathroom when people bully me)
3. I will surely stalk him, cry for him, think about him, maybe get his wedding card .. like is he is age eligible for marriage after all!
4. I will surely make out with a tons of different men.
5. I will surely own a whole lot of new clothes.
6. I will surely learn a new dance form, maybe ill try kathak, well lets see.

Things i hope for
1. I do not get fat coz of the all the fuckery happening around me
2. I honestly genuinely for fuck sake get over him.
3. I hope i get a better job with tons of money, where people dont bully me.
4. I hope one of the guys i make out with is looney enough to actually fall in love with me.
5. I hope to be more courageous.

Things i will believe no matter what.
1. Fairytales do come true. (no..no.. i am not talking about the one where she finds a prince nd lives happily ever after.. I am talking about the one where she learns to stand on her own two feet and become a gazillionaire.... Well it has come true for Ashwin anna who is my idol so ... why not me? )
2. I belong to a family which consists of a breed of really strong women. Women who keep their feet firm no matter what. No one is bendable. I hope to carry forth the legacy.
3. Life is in these silly moments... when i get to witness the most amazing moments...
For example-

• Lady selling vegetable at dharavi (who i'm sure isn't educated bdw) is teaching her grandchild ABCD ...  
• A mother holding on to her child looking all weary yet having that content smile.
• A father having an awkward conversation with his daughter.. .
• His memories .. all of them , the nice ones actually... his hugs... his kisses... his eyes.. all of him! 
• When a random stranger strikes up an interesting conversation. 
• When you discover an amazingly cheap food place with the most amazing food! 
• when you randomly meet new songs and they become your soul-mates for a long long time.

4. To never loose my childish innocence and compassion for everyone, including the ones who get on my nerves.
5. To know that i will get everything i want. All of it. I exist isn't it proof enough, that im awesome!

I hope the new year is as amazing as i have envisioned. 

Responsiveness to stimuli

Unrequited love is the most painful kind of love, it almost kills its victims- (read somewhere but remained with me). I walk and i work like crazy only to keep you off my mind. Tried to forcibly get attracted to a random guy i met in my guitar class. But got rejected there. By the guitar and the guy too. Usshe asked me the other day am i sadist? do i love this feeling.The instrument i wanted to learn desperately. So that i could sing all heartbroken love songs. So that someday we would meet in a party and I'd play , sing along and make an attempt to make you feel guilty. I have immersed myself in my work, trying to keep you off my mind. Those lanes that we walked, those sweet words, the way i held you. I dreamt of you the other day, i dream of you often. Even if we ever meet, actually possibly even get married.You would surely be that mean husband who would treat me secondary to everything. Cheat on me, make me your servant and expect me to fulfill my wifely duties with pleasure. I don't want you back. I don't even want a hug from you. I tried and failed miserably to find someone to replace you. I guess i should get accustomed to getting rejected by everyone. What hurts me the most that i decided to replace you by this instrument i had lying with me. Given to me by my brothers friend. I thought it will help me , being inanimate and all. It doesn't know that I'm in need. Of someone, something that will replace you. But it doesn't make sense. Even a stupid instrument wouldn't help me get over you.Those stupid empty walks which are filled with strangers, some hot guys who catch my eye. Nothing seems to fill up the hole you have left in me. The dent that will never go away. The bruise that will always have a scar. You don't even remember me. I wish i forgot to exist. Forgot to breathe.Forgot to feel this feeling.

*someday i'd like to read this post and laugh at being so silly , waiting desperately to get there.

How much exactly is too much...?

Women are sensitive creatures they say. But are we really? I know a young girl, got married to her childhood love, living with him in a pretty apartment. Owns two dogs. Has a comfortable job. Everything is pretty much great , except , within ten days of her marriage her husband starts cheating on her with a married woman who has a kid. He threatens to leave her constantly, belittles her and mentally abuses her. Makes her work like his slave. Tortures her for dowry. Yet today when he left the house with his suitcase threatening to leave her for the last time, making her cry like mad,  in another hour her calls her to say he is back in the house and asks about her whereabouts she is more relieved than angry. I could sense her weird sense of happiness. Whereas i was plain pissed.

Well made me wonder, are all of us supposed to epitomize the ideal indian woman and forgive our husbands/ boyrfriends even when they cheat? will boys forgive their girlfriends if they cheated. How much do you have to love a person to really extinguish them from your life. Till when are you supposed to hold on and keep hope. Do men really ever see the light ad actually come back to save you to be all yours forever. Is the mental, physical trauma they cause us, a form of love. Are all men just the same and we as the secondary sex supposed to put up with their drama? Am i wrong when being judgmental about a couple's madness from the outside. Are all couples unique with their own set of boundaries. Do people of the same wavelength really find each other? or is it just a myth.

Is adjustment the real way. Did my mother make a mistake by divorcing my father? Did perry make a mistake by letting go himanshu ? Am i making a mistake by stonewalling Choti Ladki?

Will i ever know, i guess time will tell... someday i'll have my answers for sure.

things to do.

1. Try to get up on time. like do yoga and stuff, make fabulous amazing paintings so that i become rich by selling them for gazillion dollars.
2. Get some exercise. Like seriously i need to get rid of the belly flab :\ ill start looking pregnant in some time.
3. GET OVER HIM. which retarded person stays in love with the same freak for more than a year. common   the truth is (could be) that he is shagging some drop dead gorgues hottie whilst i'm stuck watching breakup-feel good movies all the time. I am not looking for love. But staying in love is plain sad. Especially when it's all over.
4. Stop making bullshit theories in my head. Like how i am the anti-Christ or some messiah, or reincarnation of a dinosaur. I day dream so much that i hardly have any concept of time :|
5. Stop hating random women assuming he is dating them. I know this sounds bizarre but then who said i was normal.
6. To not get disappointed coz i still cant play the guitar nicely. (sobs)
7. To plant more plants, now that I've realized i don't kill all my plants .
8. Learn illustrator and Photoshop nicely, like become a pro, be the best in the world.
9. To be nice to guys and men, stop hating the entire race.
10. To stop having random crushes on men twice my age. Trust me its not as twisted as it sounds. I'm talking about johnny depp kind of men.
11. To work on my appearance. I  have so many bad days. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror at times. thanks to him i notice all my flaws.
12. To be poised. Not kill myself before i turn 25 or loose my virginity. After these two things i think i can die peacefully.

Hmm 12 not bad for now . 

Smile for me.

What is a smile anyway ?
Why should i smile anyway ... when i was a kid i thought stretching my mouth to the left and the extreme right and forming a straight line would make a smile. Well, no wonders i looked pathetic in wedding pictures. As i grew up and lost my front teeth, i had a smile paralysis. I couldn't really show people the gap in mouth due to the missing molars. Result: i pursed my lips. Well and that was my smile. Eventually i got my teeth back and well they came back in the most horrible way possible. I had a bunch of crooked teeth inside my mouth. People called me a rabbit. I never understood what a smile is supposed to look like. Are we supposed to show our teeth. Well, i finally grew up and decided to be more social and well smile. I finally let it all out. I smiled without thinking about my weirdness. My bad angles, my crooked teeth. I smiled. with my soul. I could see the shine in my eyes.That's all it takes , a heartfelt smile. It is a weird thing though. Smiling is such a simple concept. Such a natural human behavior. But so uncontrollable. 

the company of loneliness

Waking up to a bad dream is something , but waking up crying for a dream that in some parts is true, well, that is something else. Tears are a weird phenomenon. They come when you least need them. There, to embarrass you. Make you look like a wuss, sentimental freak of some kind. And when you need them, to fake you way through something. They simply decline from making an appearance. A feeling which never goes. Pain which never leaves your side. Helplessness which doesn't improve at all. Feeling like lower than the standards of tiny insignificant mayfly , when you have no money. Not more than 20 rs, even when working. Those lost moments when people enjoy relationships, who enjoy love , sex and well, care. And then feeling like another tiny non-significant creature with a short life span when you see someone having all of these and still cribbing. When did the daily moments become such a struggle. When did i land up on this path. So confusing,  disappointing everyone around. People who you adore are happy to get rid of you and your memories. You hang on to them like a stubborn puppy. World moves on, you lie there. Trying to shake you hands real real fast in an oscillation, to feel moments. To feel that your are indeed a human being. And moments are running so fast. The time that will come has already passed. Times change. They do. don't they?

This too shall pass

You are very weird you know,
You have got a big nose,
A large one,
Unlike mine which is small and cute,  
 Your eyes are tiny and slant too much,
Unlike mine which are big and round,
Your fingers are long like ten twigs,
Grey hair on your head,
How repulsive! 
Your flabby tummy isn't very appealing you know,
The way you smile,
Attempting to hide those fake teeth,
Your eyes are hazel not brown,

Your feet are huge,
Not normal for a proportioned man,
Your skin is yellowish brown,
The nails dirty and uncut,
You lie there in front of me,
Without even looking at me,
You said something,
I hardly heard,
You see im too busy in my head,
Loving you and your flaws!

The prettiest smells..

A list of the most prettiest smells i have had the good fortune to smell.

•  mud after rains.. 
• new born babies 
• smell of aged leaf 
•  his scent on my clothes
•  Freshly manicured nails
•  salty sea
• bittersweet caramel smell from that tree
• my hair after conditioning 
• His hair 
• burning firewood 
•  fresh mornings
• soap untouched by water
• fresh idli batter
• fresh coconut water
• kerosene
• confidence ....

look at the sky .

The sky brings tear in my eye,
The majestic blues that flirt with the oranges,
The birth of blushing yellows,
The veiled whites shying away
The sultry black seducing his way,
The arm offered by the tangy tangerine
The pretty pinks in his fingernails,
Tonight the king of night is away,
The hues are scheming, the wild gossips say,
Tonight we look forward to this magical array,
With smiles, giggles, roars,and moans
The dark night finally has his way!
They collide, play
Oh! What a day
The birth of transparent little drops is here to stay
The thirsty earth rises to glorious day.

The one who gave up.

My numb hands. My feet are giving away. A few more seconds, a few more breaths. This is it!  i cannot give up now. This is one chance that i have got. Not another ever. This is my only escape. These shackles, traps, of human relations that surround me. Disguises of love. The security these lowlife people will have in my losses and mediocrity. But i can now prove them wrong. They will never win. Why, when our bodies are trapped our souls free? Imagination is a blessing for prisoners of time. They don't even really care about me. A few more years and they will start hating me. More i grow onto them they will start expecting things from me. Despising me. Taunting all my views mocking my being. I will not let them win. I'm so lucky i remember it all.They say it will take a millisecond. I'm cold and scared. But i have made up my mind. I will not go through this all over again. A deep breath. I tighten my fists. The lights dimming. The bright colorful haze. This intoxicating luminosity of pure whiteness. And i see it..
.
.
.
.
.
.



- We are sorry to inform you madam , your child is stillborn.

The tired stranger

What is wrong with her, why is she following me? ...
But she is not really looking at me...
Maybe she wants to go to the same place where i am going...
Why then is she walking so close...
There is something unsettling about her face though..
I mean look at her...
Shoddy face.. unkempt hair...
Ugh .. those clothes...
Gosh i should ignore her..
Why can't i stop obsessing about this woman..
Okay..Stop think.
STOP.
Think of something else...
popadidumdummm
popopopopdadidumdumm...
Okie..
This girl is so repulsive...
IS she mocking me?
Okie..Ill walk really fast.
Okay so i guess i left her behind somewhere
Finally
wait what .. she is right next to me..
I take a good look at her
Her tired eyes
lips.
jaw...
Loose strands of brittle hair..
 I feel a jolt
I stop where i was 
The world doesn't
She walked past me..
She is me!
Who am i then
I run behind her..
Only to witness her being crushed.
..A large sea green tempo
Why did i run to save her...
She was dead long ago.
I was alive ever since. 

Rain o Rain

Rain o rain
Wash away my pain
Put off the burning flame
Am tainted with your love

The drops of this virgin water
Dissolve, me if you can

My shadow has deceived me now
Alas it is nothing compared to your deception

With heavy steps
I walk away from your memories
The distance between you and me is great
I look again and ask myself, is it?

The flames have taken over me
My ashes will be memoirs 
The proof that i am tainted
With your love

My soul is withered
The marks and these bruises
They speak for themselves
For you to witness

My story has ended
With the cremation of me
But this will stay 

i thank this woman!

http://www.zabrinah.com/2011/03/consumed.html

A battle lost.

Loss.
What a vague concept. People loose so much. Every day , every single hour. What determines the degree of loss. What makes us continue living after the loss. Every single day i try to find hope. Hope for love , for peace . All i get is more proof of its Absence. I've lived 20 years of my life, as a i reflect back i realize nothing has ever gone according to what i planned. What am then supposed to live for ? what do i look forward to? if nothing i want is ever going to happen. My day consists of waking up breathing and living in a parallel world. Nothing i do makes any sense. I've become a slave to the robotic life that the human race is subjected to follow. With every breath, every second of exhaling i realize everything is a mirage. The confidence the value the dreams are just illusions. People have no clue. Like me. Lost. When is the time to gain then? 

Sane or ... Sane ?

What is sanity?
Well i watched this movie called Se7en which has brad Pitt and Morgan freeman.Well the movie put me in a dark space. A really really bad dark space with no overtones of other shades. The movie has a bizarre ending. Looks like i was having a lot of revelations regarding or dealing with the subject of insanity. John Doe was clearly insane. I'm a little disturbed i guess. But Seven and god bless America made me realize one thing i could totally pull off being a serial killer. Maybe i could pull off being a hitman.. okie hitwoman wtever. I realized how one heartbreak can make people go nuts. Like my guitar Sir mentioned that in rockstar maybe the whole point of jordans character was that he lost himself, his identity his thoughts , he simply stopped living in this world. His sole object of desire was taken away from him and that when he got the things that he struggled for all his life he did not find sense in them. Sir mentioned that when a person experiences that crazy degree of pain they stop seeing themselves. They get a bird's eye view of the whole tide of life. What is sanity? what if all the life that we live during the daylight is a mere illusion. The pain that we experience, just a mirage? what if there are happier worlds in the parallel universe. Where there is nothing like pollution, bad attitudes and heart breaks. waiting to discover things till im alive and don't kill myself... which i can't guarantee for a long time. Bye for now.

memories..

A laazy Sunday afternoon, the rain drops are falling on my window panes. The sky is colored in shades of blue and violet simultaneously. Well who wouldn't enjoy waking up today and being alive just to witness the magic of nature. Well today i would like to share a few lines from the movie i watched sometime back. The Holiday. It is quite well known amongst people who google 'movies to watch after a bad breakup'. Anyways i watched it and somehow kate winslet makes me feel like im her.. in the movie that is. I'm wondering how long it will take me to move on. Counting days... well here are a few lines from the movie which remained with me thus putting it up on my blog.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Benefits of being single

1. Girls all around me who are in a relationship have only one ambition in life i.e is to get married. Single women are more career oriented. Have some ambition in life to be equal to a man. Like get stuff on their own without monetary or any other kind of help from their husbands.
2. Single women can wear whatever they want. No restrictions of clothes no more restrictions on what boyfies consider obscene.
3. Eat a lot of chocolates, no one to comment on eating habits of any kind. Vegetarian boyfriends always force girlfriends to turn veg. How many guys ever turned vegetarian for girl i ask?
4. No more jealousy , no more insecurity, no more crying spells. Less emotional drama.
5. SAve money, no expenditure on buying gifts for the boyfie, or on dinners or movies, All the money saved can be spent of buying clothes and being fabulous.
6. Having more time since there is no object to be obsessed about. This time can be used to pursue a new hobby. Music class, dance ,craft , DIY's anything at all.
7. Flirt with all the cuties out there, no guilt of being committed.
8. The joy of being with oneself :) is so amazing , As they say it is necessary to loose yourself to find the real you.
9. Being single makes us feel the need to take care of ourselves more, more pedicures, more spa treatments , luxurious facials :P feels fabulous.
10. After being single for so long now, i have understood one thing i might cry at times, i might be sad at times. But being single is definitely better than being stuck in a disastrous relationship.
11. Also this time gives you an amazing opportunity to stop being spineless. Stand on you own two feet and stop letting some rude boys define who you are. There are so many bad men out there. But once in a while some nice ones might appear. :)

love story.

everyone deserves a love story,
forgiving self before forgiving others,
punishment for a lifetime is unfair. 

a day without you.

I have realized that a day without you Mr.Crackpot is fabulous.
The world is luminous
I don't think i have problem breathing anymore.
My heart has stopped being sore.

Kudos to me for writing the worst piece of poem :)
I'm loving the new wacky me! :)

the possibilities..

After being rejected yet again by the man i love,
i wondered about the possibilities.
Is it possible,
to be hugged by someone for 20 minutes flat, without being groped, kissed , just held...?
Is it possible to find someone who will just hold you for like 20 minutes flat without saying a word.
This degree of affection, liking, love call it whatever.. does this happen?
To be looked at.. ..just stared at... with awe..
Does this happen to normal people?
To hold hands without saying a word.
To share food, like your favorite food..
Love means freedom. Breaking shackles. Being independent.
Will i have the profound privilege of being loved?
Life is so innocent, governed by karma.
Why does love then , feel so complicated.

life happens..

There are such tricky times in life, where no matter which search engine you try , you will not find answers.
Yesterday Nups told me that i have become numb to feelings or situations.
Should i worry about that ?
Or Isn't it nice that i don't feel things anymore.
Things, People don't concern me anymore.
I mean should it matter that my employer isn't in any mood to pay me.
Or the fact that i let go a very good job opportunity from my hands because of my foolish teacher.
I mean isn't the ultimate thing to just die.
How am i supposed to decide how much someone will pay me for my work.
I want to take things easy.
Not too much stress, is this wrong?
Am i being numb to everything that happens to me?
Am i too easy?
Is Nupur right...

mr blue blue valentine

Yesterday i watched my blue valentine starring the hottie ryan gosling. Well, i coudn't sleep. this was a movie one of its kind. I was so emotionally shaken. This was the first time i realized that feelings can just fade, evaporate, go away .. so easily. Love is so temporary. Attachments are like mere punishments. Why do i love vaibhav, He doesn't want me. What is the remedy? Even after accepting the fact that im no longer necessary to someone, why do i fantasize? Recently i had a root canal procedure, got me thinking , how wonderful it would be to simply extract the roots of that particular nerve that creates those silly feelings. It could be so cool!.. no pain, no hurt. Last night i cried my eyes out, watching disappointed dean(ryan gosling) walk away in the end is so iconic. His only fault was that he was him. He cared , he love her. He was perfect except he wasn't really rich or successful. The dryness of a loveless marriage is so vividly captured. Made me wonder.. Is this real? Does marriage become this exhausting and grey after a point? Like i wasn't cynical enough!
This movie has opened my eyes to the basic human nature. We like things when they are exciting but things become dry , all things go stale. Everything .. EVERYTHiNG will end.
Love Doesn't exist. Even if it does it is TEMPORARY.
All the songs, movies, ever afters' are all crap.
While wondering all this i realized that the genre of my life after all is nothing but 'tragedy'
Everyday after today will be effort to give up on love.

blinded by youyouyouyouyou..

So many months still can't get over you.
:|

Can i hit my head reealllly hard and forget you existed?
Or could magically turn into a nice guy and come back to me ?
I wish you came back.
I'd be more mature and nicer about everything..
I Hope you come back.
I know you won't come back.

Some people Deserve Hell.

My anonymous letter to a not so anonymous person in my life.

Dear Mr. Asshole,
Thanks for turning down my invitation. Thanks for not wishing on my birthday. Thanks for forgetting to meet me. Thanks for humiliating me. Thanks for compromising my self-respect. Thanks for showing me what a mistake i made by falling for you. You are nothing but mean, selfish, immature, cheap, small-minded jerk. Guys like you do not deserve to be with any kind of girl. Thanks for ruining my belief system. Thanks for treating me so badly. I wish you rot in hell. I wish My hatred for you somehow makes me forget you. Good luck in life. BAstard.

a mirage.

I have crossed the limit. I have finally bcum mad. I see him everywhere. :O i see him in random strangers nd i run!
God save mad me.
Mr choti ladki  why are you an emotional blackhole :O

The criteria for love?

LOve . The most overrated feeling. A friend once mentioned. All songs are written about it. All movies have this as a theme.And i keep blogging about it.NOn stop. Yet if you look for a proper satisfying definition, there is none. I guess its mutual attraction. When you body isn't in control of your head. You feel things in your stomach at the touch, sight of that particular organism. Sometimes i think love is nothing but quite similar to a disease. Like in fever or diarrhea. Just that the diseases can be cured with medicines. How can love be cured? The criteria for love is to think about that person everyday all day with no pauses. Even in you dreams :| seriously! Its like you can't stop your brain from thinking about them. Love is when all you can think about is that particular person's well being. Are they okay , have they eaten? Was their day alright? Is the world treating them fine? Innumerable questions about Them.
But about us. Me?
Me is lost! as far as i know.
When things are new, fresh and vibrant in a new relationship when they still love you; things are so beautiful! its almost unreal!! feels so GOOD.. Like a Big soft fluffy pillow with a big soft fluffy bed, buttery smoothness, no negative thoughts, just whiteness like loads of vanilla ice cream :P And the urge to smile like joker from batman!.
But when the other person gets distant, doesn't care about you. YOu inevitably sink in a small black hole, where everything smells like rust, Steel gray , fungus-y green and slimy in a bad way.
What can a person do... when the person you love doesn't want to see you , hear from you?
1. secretly keep loving them for ages
2. find someone to fuck temporarily
3. kill yourself.

Honestly these are the only three things that are possible options, all the shit that immerse yourself in work and all is shit.
Why this mad urge to see them, touch them, keep staring.
Your ego is lost. Self-respect gone.
I feel love is a punishment if not a disease.
The conclusion is that love is like a virus that turns into a flu and then turns into self-torture.

I really hope that some time in 2025 or some other century there is a cure for this life-threatening disease.