LOve-less?

How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?” - from eat.pray.love

We live in troubles. At no given point is a person rid of troubles. Momentary satisfaction of being okay with troubles can embalm us only when we  snap into reality and be aware of our present. 
Money troubles, 
weight troubles, 
bad skin troubles, 
cramps, 
insecurities, 
jealously, 
fears..i think all of these are different forms of troubles. But no trouble gets our attention the way love does. All our fears and insecurities seem so much magnified when in relation to the matters of love. Everything, all that we are is non-existential. Our minds are constantly thinking about that one person who you find interesting. Recently, when talking to akram i realized that no matter what kind of shit you are in, you will still be bothered if the person you like doesn't respond to your text. That guy who seemed to be interested never liked your picture on facebook. That girl who looked so hot and you were planning to ask out is now committed. Why do humans have a emotional side? What was the necessity. We are aware all the time. Aware that we broke hearts, said mean things, spread crappy rumors. Why don't we act on it? 
Why don't i act on it? 
I went to Norah Jones' concert yesterday! the most surreal day ever! well , i saw so many cute couples. Couples who looked so much in love. Guys who looked into their woman's eyes and seemed so lost in them! guys who held their ladyloves by their waists and walked around. I am 21, poor, pretty, wee bit talented, directionless about my career, broken hearted woman. 
My head is so judgmental  I'm so ashamed. I see someone, and i start mentally categorizing cool, uncool, rich, poor, the townie accent, date-worthy, non-date-worthy. Maybe these are my insecurities being projected on random people i meet. 
When will ever stop being so judgmental. 
Will i ever be able to open my heart to love. 
Will i ever be loved? 
Will he look into my eyes and be all lost? 
Will he put his arms around my waist? 
Will he kiss me for more than 2 secs? 

Mr.Choti ladki is now dating a very intelligent psychologist. I hope i move on too. 
I hope i find my answers. 

the letter i wrote to him on Tue, Aug 9, 2011 at 9:48 PM

You know what ..  i realised i am extremely happy without having you as a boyfriend.

Even you know that you never treated me like your girl friend.

I wonder why you wanted one, when you hardly are ready for a proper relationship.

I mean you never remembered our anniversary!

you hardly have the balls to hold my hand while walking.. 

all i wanted was to have a happy relationship,

A guy who atleast valued me..

I have no place in your life, time and again your actions have proved that.

, i would still love to be your friend.

I am going to move on. I have a fabulous future , which includes a person who'll love and respect me truly.

I Know  you'll also find love.

Good luck vaibhav, 

it was a stupid decision to get back.

I'LL always be there for you, if you ever need me.

SOrry But i value my self too much , to be treated like crap.

This time, I Let you go for sure. :)

you are a really nice guy, just that we are not made for each other.

Ill pray u achieve all ur dreams, and be happy and in good health always.

I am so glad i did not delete this. This reminds me of the fact that we couldn't ever last. 

A interesting piece of story...

When i was a kid i read a story about a flower. It was in my English text book. I don't remember it well however.. It went like this 

There was a field full of pretty flowers. There were all kinds of flowers red flowers, pink flowers, yellow ones, thorny ones, plain withered ones. Then there was this ambitious little amaranth that grew silently among the Amaranth clan. Even though she was born average, sidetracked by birth, she was extremely inquisitive and curious by nature. As she grew she realized that not everyone is the same. She began to see her insecurities more clearly. Her own thoughts bringing her down. She looked at the roses and was smitten by their beauty. She pondered how just being born as something,as someone determined your fate. The roses were the most gorgeous thing in the field. They stood tall and proud glistening and aware of their beauty. They dazzled in blood red with those beads of water decorating their body like diamonds. Their scent was mesmerizing. Every once in a while a traveler stood close and plucked a rose. This meant death for the pretty little rose but it also meant that the roses are valued. The ambitious little flower thought to herself, maybe if she prayed real hard that maybe she will too turn into a pretty rose. She prayed all day , all night also. After too much praying a little fairy showed up. The fairy asked the amaranth why she wanted to give her life up and turn into a rose as she was perfectly pretty the way she was! She begged and cried and told the fairy that this was it! her dream was to be a rose. After loads of contemplation the fairy decided to grant the flower's wish. She told amaranth that she could be a rose for a day, after that she will just have to die. Amaranth all excited and glad danced in excitement and agreed. The next morning amaranth woke up as a rose. She glistened and rose taller than any of the other roses. The other roses were envious of her beauty. She swayed with the wind and let butterflies rest on her. She enjoyed the sun rays playing on her. But when the sun bid adieu , amaranth started loosing her energy. Evening turned into night and Amaranth was on her death bed. The proud roses nudged each other and laughed at Amaranth's stupidity. they taunted her on her foolishness. Her old friends from the Amaranth clan made fun of her for making such a stupid decision. 

Amaranth looked at them with the little energy that she had within her, asked all of them to shut up! .... and told the roses that they simply lucky and stupid..  The rest of the amaranth's were too secure in their own lives. Not wanting to explore or be adventurous. She was proud that she made a stupid decision because , she lived truly for a day before dying. 

Moral of the story- 

I honestly, truly never figured it out. 

No seriously.. Everyone thinks your supposed to be happy with what you have. But the same people also say that you need to be ambitious. Even when i was a kid i wondered what exactly was the message of this story. Till date i haven't figured it out. Are we as humans too greedy to keep wanting more all the time. Should we just shut up and be satisfied. Should we just leave everything on fate? 

Shit this post is too long. :| 

What am i to you..tell me darling true

I love the fact that i fucking loved to hate everything that i loved about the rotten you.

for you. You jerk

Another chance.. ?

Well after almost 24 hours it will be the beginning of another year. Another number. More 365 days of change. I believed that 2012 was the most shittiest year of my life .. however i am sure of it.. i am just confident that there is more shitty-ness to come.
Things i am sure of
1. I will definitely have tons of emotional ups and downs( now this is just normal)
2. I will surely find a new job (hopefully i dont end up crying the bathroom when people bully me)
3. I will surely stalk him, cry for him, think about him, maybe get his wedding card .. like is he is age eligible for marriage after all!
4. I will surely make out with a tons of different men.
5. I will surely own a whole lot of new clothes.
6. I will surely learn a new dance form, maybe ill try kathak, well lets see.

Things i hope for
1. I do not get fat coz of the all the fuckery happening around me
2. I honestly genuinely for fuck sake get over him.
3. I hope i get a better job with tons of money, where people dont bully me.
4. I hope one of the guys i make out with is looney enough to actually fall in love with me.
5. I hope to be more courageous.

Things i will believe no matter what.
1. Fairytales do come true. (no..no.. i am not talking about the one where she finds a prince nd lives happily ever after.. I am talking about the one where she learns to stand on her own two feet and become a gazillionaire.... Well it has come true for Ashwin anna who is my idol so ... why not me? )
2. I belong to a family which consists of a breed of really strong women. Women who keep their feet firm no matter what. No one is bendable. I hope to carry forth the legacy.
3. Life is in these silly moments... when i get to witness the most amazing moments...
For example-

• Lady selling vegetable at dharavi (who i'm sure isn't educated bdw) is teaching her grandchild ABCD ...  
• A mother holding on to her child looking all weary yet having that content smile.
• A father having an awkward conversation with his daughter.. .
• His memories .. all of them , the nice ones actually... his hugs... his kisses... his eyes.. all of him! 
• When a random stranger strikes up an interesting conversation. 
• When you discover an amazingly cheap food place with the most amazing food! 
• when you randomly meet new songs and they become your soul-mates for a long long time.

4. To never loose my childish innocence and compassion for everyone, including the ones who get on my nerves.
5. To know that i will get everything i want. All of it. I exist isn't it proof enough, that im awesome!

I hope the new year is as amazing as i have envisioned. 

Responsiveness to stimuli

Unrequited love is the most painful kind of love, it almost kills its victims- (read somewhere but remained with me). I walk and i work like crazy only to keep you off my mind. Tried to forcibly get attracted to a random guy i met in my guitar class. But got rejected there. By the guitar and the guy too. Usshe asked me the other day am i sadist? do i love this feeling.The instrument i wanted to learn desperately. So that i could sing all heartbroken love songs. So that someday we would meet in a party and I'd play , sing along and make an attempt to make you feel guilty. I have immersed myself in my work, trying to keep you off my mind. Those lanes that we walked, those sweet words, the way i held you. I dreamt of you the other day, i dream of you often. Even if we ever meet, actually possibly even get married.You would surely be that mean husband who would treat me secondary to everything. Cheat on me, make me your servant and expect me to fulfill my wifely duties with pleasure. I don't want you back. I don't even want a hug from you. I tried and failed miserably to find someone to replace you. I guess i should get accustomed to getting rejected by everyone. What hurts me the most that i decided to replace you by this instrument i had lying with me. Given to me by my brothers friend. I thought it will help me , being inanimate and all. It doesn't know that I'm in need. Of someone, something that will replace you. But it doesn't make sense. Even a stupid instrument wouldn't help me get over you.Those stupid empty walks which are filled with strangers, some hot guys who catch my eye. Nothing seems to fill up the hole you have left in me. The dent that will never go away. The bruise that will always have a scar. You don't even remember me. I wish i forgot to exist. Forgot to breathe.Forgot to feel this feeling.

*someday i'd like to read this post and laugh at being so silly , waiting desperately to get there.