me- a new revelation

wEll ..idz been a long time i dint post ...

i guess i was in my thinking mode ...
a lot of things caused trouble ...bt now i am fine ...
i guess there a wrong things ...bt maybe i am worrying too much...
why cant i seem to stop worrying about things ...
well over the past few days a lot of things myths cleared up

the number 1 myth - all guys are assholes

hehe ....im glad i realized this ...two of very close best friends are guys , they help me to maintain my faith in the so-called guy clan .. i can be lesser of a feminist now ...thanks ...u 2... and well.. somehow ...magically ....my X apologized for his wrongdoings ...n guess wot ..i forgave him ...no really ... i have no hatred ....whatsoever.. really no drive to push him from a 18 storied building or even to stab him to death .. lol..:P

The number 2 myth - i have stage fear

lol....i don't know why i build all walls of insecurities around me .. :P i had a tiny speech ...in my stupid coll... i had to say stuff on the mike in front of maybe 200 ppl ...nd guess wt i was confident as hell... nd everyone seemed to like me ... no relli ...they applauded nd all ...hehe .. :P

the number 3 myth - i will never stop biting my nails

i did stop ...now that i've discovered my new found interest in painting them regularly with all kind of striking colours :P ...hehe ... k i have nice nails now .. ;)

the number 4 myth - all people are crazy ...

well....this one still remains a myth ...nd guess will continue to remain ... ;)

life ...as it is...

which asshole said life is easy ....whoever said at must be so so doped up ....that they cudnt thnk right ...

as per me ....life is a constant battle from the day u wer born to the day you will die ...

it is a constant phase of fighting against people ...

what is god .....an illusion created by human beings to hope that there is something out der to help ...or may be save... but ...

the bitter truth is that there is no human who has the balls to acknowledge the fact there's no one out der absolutely no body ....

v r born alone ....v live alone and v are dead alone ....

i often think to myself what a crazy person i was to think.....that things are mine....

things like 'my family ' ...my friends' ...my clothes ....my body .....absolutely nuthn is mine ...

i stand no were ....i believe in nuthn .....

i once beilieved in the ayn rand gibberish ....i truly really believed that i can adress myself as I " ......i have enough ego and self respect ...im free and nobody controls me ....

why did i forget that v all are complete slaves ....

slaves who are bounded by time ....

if god loved us ....or even existed ...

why did he make us do terrible things ....then why did he create time ....something which cannot be reversed ...

why do v have a constant need to likable .....

well , i tried ....ND what did i get in return ...hatred , hurt , pain...character assassination ..

i learnt one thing in life .....

when you're in trouble nobody will stick to u....they'll just abandon you ...

its like all your so-called family ...is out on a mission to practically screw your life...

its like they get some sadistic pleasrue in screwing your case big time .....

what is difference between sane people and insane people ......personally i prefer the insane ones ......they look more sensible to me ...

where do i stand??? ....am i on the verge of losing my mind ....or have i totally lost it....

i dont find meaning in being happy ....

i dont find sense in wearing good clothes ....

i dont find sense in human interaction ....

alll people love talking bad about other people ....

alll people no matter how nice they appear are ...just on a mission to royally fuck some1 else .....for no apparent reason .....

we all hold on to grudges .....we all hate ...we all curse and we all....are bad .....

when i turn pages of mythology and history books ....i often find that , the so-called "bad guys " were more moral than the so -called "hero " .....

who decides what is good and bad ...

why are all people so judgemental ??????....

why do we love screwing other people ....when our own life is shyt ....

why do we love crticising and giving opinions when not asked ...

when a girl in my class walks upto me ...and says ....my Ur painting ...is sooo bad ...idz totally bulshyt ..... i just dont find it neccessary to turn back and say mind ur own bussiness bitch !!!.....coz ....i simply dont care ....

all my life .....i was a cheerful person ..very optimistic, about my life ....i always dedicided ...that ill be an obsever ...ill simply observe my life from far ...nd never take nethn to heart ...coz evrythng will just pass.......i decided ....that the simplest way to solve problems between human relations ..,.is to ....Talk .....but y the hell is that soooooooo impossible ....

i cant hate people ....i just cant ...but i cant seem to love them also ....

i have no1 ...

i have adjusted to it ....

i packed my bagpack once ....i almost caught a train to ...go somwer far far away ..... wer no1 asked questions , talked bad about me ....no1 judged the way i looked ..

but i dint seem to have the balls to do that ....

i still dont know y ...

day in and day out ....im drifting into my own little space...

i find it hard to smile ....or even be happy ...

i never relly wanted money ... but a owe a lot of it ...to a lot of people ....

i hope ill be able to pay it back ..b4 i die ...

i never wanted to cause harm ...

i still practise self control and will always will....

but when u do that ...all people seem to have a mission to test ur patience ...

i end my blog ...~~~ wishing good luck and prosperity to all ~~~ live .

P.S - bob marley was stupid enough to thnk that he cud change the world ... i did too ....nd i loose .

just so frustrated !!!

okay ....so bout my future i had put a lot of thought into in ....into what my profession will be ... well .....on some recommendations i decided ill pursue commercial arts , k so i got admissions into sophia's .. k ill gladly list down 10 things i hate bout dis particular college ....
1. idz a GALS college .....evrytime i walk down the college lane , i feel disgusted watchng lesbians cuddle up .... k i am not homo phobic .... im just not comfortable ...
2. i dont like guys ... but in the class ...idz so boring i sometimes feel der has to be some type of loser guys to light up the atmosphere at least!
3. the language!!!evri f****** person speaks in marathi !!!
or even bettr gujurathi ......da languages r nice ....no offense bt shut up in the class fr heavens sake !!
4. my professors .... oh...hw could i even start about them ....or their absolute inability to recognize art .....i hate them , i despise them ...and evrytime they tell me to throw my wrk in the dustbin i feel like pushng them out of the window .

i have like 3 profs. ill glady describe them
1. mr macchar ...as ive termed him .....hez a complete pest .....and a pain in da a**
2.dard-e-disco .......he has long hair which he's more concerned of..than the students ...he sings lame hindi songs and cracks non-humorous jokes on which the slut-chicks will laugh horribly .. i cud just roll out and act dead !!
3. crazy bitch ..my only female prof ......shes absolutely crazy ....she'll speak utter rubbish in the class and expects us to reply or entertain ......
an example .... maine nah 1 din ek ladki se pucha ...tum smoke karti ho kya ....and usne haan bola .....mai toh itnii shoooockkk ho gyi ......!!!! lol i meannnn wdf !!! ....talk art in the art class lady .....let the gal smoke in peace !!! ..... k .....

so this is wt my life is doin to me ....apart frm other 10 thousand things practically out to screw my life ...these are just a tiny glimpse ..

undeserving !

i dono y i wasted my time in apologising or even feeling all guilty bout things , ive done to people :\.....well after a hugee session with my sis (my therapist as i gladly label hr) gave me girl talk on how i should forgive , forget and apologise and move onnn n all , thus trying to find my inner peace ...well i took the first step of apologising .... :| ...seems like thngs went a lil out of track ....i apologised to many people ....(no i relly did ) ......sent like a lotta texts nd stuff.....nd guess wt i get in return ...a whole lot of character assassination !!! how ungrateful :| ...feelz like going and killing the moron ......well...the next step was to forgive .... bt .....seems like i cant turn into a saintlike human being after all .....well......my inner peace ...ahem ....seems like somethng distant to me .... hw can people just be soo.....mean ! ..... i mean wdf ....i kept my ego aside to say sry .... !!! well.....such kind schmucks need to b slapped!! ....or even kicked and bruised ......hmmm.......well rte now bashing about him makes me feel bettr ..!! i shudve known .....such kind of guys who ony noe to treat women as sex objects never deserve a apology even though u do sumthn to hurt them ...welll ive figured da jackasses deserve it!! every bit of it .... :x :X

aqUARIum

....i went to the aquarium. it was fun . i went after sum i dono 8 yrs.
i saw many fishes nd a turtle nd idz babies . i wudnt like to live in a tank . the 1st time dat i went was wid my father . i dont remembr it a lot , i was tiny but he took me . ive forgotten most of it ne way . my frnds wudnt go wid me wen i was in jai hind eventhough da aquarium was so near . but i went . it was fun . ill take my kids der fr sure , if they ever wanted to go ....
neways bye .

i just felt like ....

hmmmm
i thought im quite strng , very smart , extremely intelligent .... neva did i thnk dat this belief of mine ....will upset ppl ....i never was a snob , i cudnt be ... i mean i hate those kindda ppl....why is it dat ppl want you to cry , to be vulnerable .....
im writing this coz a guy ...nt dat i like him or have even 1 % of liking towards him am i writing this blog ... trust me.. no inclination of dat sort .
but somehow i always manage to hurt him...maybe ...alrte i thnk he lukz relly dumb ...noes nuthn about dressing up normal .....doesnt treat women well ....is sexually insatiable .... ( i noe it thru my sources :P) ....lol .....neways ....i thnk i behave normally ..... bt it is sumhow dat he is deeply saddened by da way i behave .... dis also i cum to noe thru a common frnd .....i mean jus coz i din shake hands with him coz my hands were dirty... covered with ketchup (im bad at table manners ) .....he's upset nd later bithces bout me to our common frnd ......i sumtymes dont understnd guys .....i mean nt dat im an expert at being with guys .... well i've practically screwed my relationshps..coz ive been "rude".......wen i thnk im normal ......
well ....i sum up as nt evr1 u meet will like u....
nd u dont need to explain urself to evr1 ...
bt den y is it dat .... while writing dis im relly sensing .....guilt maybe ....
wen nuthn on my part is intentional.....

What was her fault I ask ….what …????....marrying the man she fell in love with , for the guy she gave up her maternal home , for him , who she gave up her childhood , her innocence … ?...what has she done to deserve purple bruises all over her … a black eye! For gods sake , why does he mutilate her thoughts , rape her feelings , for causing much more pain than just physical brutality …. As I’ve grown up I’ve been a hardcore feminist ……why shouldn’t I be ….when only women can understand the pain a woman goes through …. Why are woman treated like sex objects ….every non-veg’ joke forwarded is on her …. Every time she walks on the road she is mentally undressed by the street-oglers who check her out shamelessly .. why is she expected to keep her head down ….is it her fault , that she gives birth , is it her fault that she is physically less stronger ……. Why does a man think that violence towards a woman or rather his wife is acceptable …. ????? why …. As I write this blog I have nothing but anger , disgust and hatred towards that kind of men , who use women …. Who take advantage of her …in the worst possible ways ….
Im fed up of seeing domestic violence happening everywhere around , when I was a kid in my home , now that I’m working, in my work place , im fed-up of being deceived , cheated and the feeling of being – used’ ….. Why aren’t questions raised bout a man’s chastity …..Why is a woman honor at stake …. Why are the maximum bad words referring woman...?/? ….
I noe none of my questions have answers , but ill still ask one moe ….. when will the world stop considering woman secondary ????????
Writing dis blog will not change things , not change my subject’s life either …… bt now I can sleep peacefully ….. since ive let it all out …

mr...not

Der I am …my new job …my 1st job …lol ….as I sit der I often ponder as to why i am being paid …hehe …well if warming ur ass nd reading ur books whilst ur looking at hawt …I mean …hawwwttt guyz …is calld wrk den I think otherwise …lol….well in this blog id like to describe …wt a real wannabe guy is ….i mean seriously ….idz fun to analyse dese weird attitude ridden creatures …. :P ..well ill start wid his physical appearance he …over built ….nd ….relly id say ….has baby fat … den …he thnks he’s uber good looking …well his way of walking interprets dat ….he thumps his feet on da floor which I feel will be a reason for tremors ….someday ….or da 1st floor bldng to collapse …(I hope dey have insurance … :) …well…den he nears my desk ..i bluntly hand over da locker keys …without making eye-contact …pretending to be immersed in my book ,….well u c ….i don’t want him to get da slightest idea dat im smitten by his …uber un-hawt ….lol body….hehehe…. den dat attention seeking process starts ….he 1st …places his …30 gb I pod , iphone ..his car keys with some goth …key chain ….and den walks all da way to da locker …makes some hugeeee noise ….den collects all his stuff ….one by one ….again creating a lot of commotion …still tryng to catch my attention ….den walks over to his locker thrashes dem into it ….nd ….comes back ….picks up a pen ..signs his attendance record register ….with so much of zest! ….dat he’s almost torn da paper … :\ …. Den …he pretends to read all da names who’ve entered …thus wasting more tyme …nd finally ….after all da drama …still unsuccessful at his attempt …to .err…impress!! ….he walks …away ….probably thinking ..of me as a nerd ….what he does’nt know ..is dat the level he irritates ….da helll outta me …is compelling me to write a whole blog …on him …..well …as I write this ….id further conclude …da such ...hyper-active pain- in- da- ass male creatures exist all over da planet …well…all I suggest is …get ur act together ….nd start realizing dat ur acting like a foOL !!

mistakes .

i learnt the 2 most imp lessons of my life today...

1. LISTEN to a guy's advice in guy matters!!!! for gawdsss sake!!

2. listen to ur brains...if uve got sum ....nt ur bloody hart ....

but be stupid enuf to make mistakes , n smart enuf to learn frm dem....

da circle of human stupidity.

All my life I’ve had choices …back den I dint know ….the complexity of things ….how my stupid choices would determine …my existence, my sole being , im sure evri person s offered choices …how is person to know which 1 to make … I have pondered bout this question all my life ….i think ….id just comes to u….u decide the nature of ur existence …the course that ur life will lead into …. It was my choice not to give in….unconciously maybe …but …dat has helped ….today as I look back ..i can be proud….or maybe boast bout it ….dat I never entered relationships ….just coz evri1 was doing it ….i never slept around just to fit in …I never bot a levis ka jeans just coz …evr1 has it …nd evr1 shUd have it ….i never flaunted the cards in my wallet just to fit in …. I never visited places …just to boast bout it later ….the whole world …is rotating ….nd fooled by the concept of must haves’….don’t u c …idz a stupid trick played by …by the corporatism …

And the rest of the human clan …behaves like puppets …. When I look around …I c a world of followers ….ppl r in a constant battle to please others….were did the virtue of self –importance disappear … a person is loved by ppl if he respects them …LIStens to dem ….i ask y ??... y isn’t the person loved ,who has risen through the miseries …and attained everything by his determination and HIS will, not by the HELP of certain ppl , …infact such ppl are despised ….instead of being respected they are feared …people are evil. Every human being is pure evil. There is a self-interest involved in everything being done , then why is it feared why don’t ppl acknowledge it proudly …why is the world scared …by whom? Why ….through our childhood …we are taught by the mildly retarded teachers, that we HAVE to listen to our elders …we were slapped, punished ruined for asking questions …..or questioning their system ….but now vr all grown up …y are we still surrounded by things where doing things to please others is soooo important . why can’t we break the shackles ….and live a life …primarily to please oneself …with no regrets no guilt involved . a human being is the most intelligent creature in existence den y are we scared to recognize that.. comparing ourselves with another human being … another creature of superior intelligence…is the most awful..disgusting thing done to a person .i wish der is a tyme ...where evrione realises his worth ....

un-f0rgettABLE

life was easier when small,
thought id be happier when i grow up,
the innumerable things i wanted to be,
is blown away in smoke ,
as i linger here smoking weed,
happiness didn't like me,
never had a single friend,
never missed them all dat much,
had acquaintances,
but no feeling of belonginess,
ignorance was bliss when small,
lonesomeness didn't hurt that much ,
today im alone as i used to be,
only thing dats changed is that im all grown up.
why he left ,
i do not know,
he must've had his reasons ,
i understand though,
inadequasies gripped our loving souls,
never had let someone be so close before,
maybe dats coz the process was unbearable,
but im sure he'll be happy ,
wherever in the world he chose to be ,
without me.

da man in my life

evirithin bout him is beautiful, his smile,his soft hair , his cute looks, his handsomeness...gosh ...so many pretty thngs ...
he's like da best thng datz happnd to meh ...da best thng ever...cant think of living witout him ...his face is the 1st thng in da mornin i wanna
see evriday , makes my day!!! i love evirithn bout him ...da way he curls his fingers around mine , day way he smiles ...wen i luk at him...da way he cluthes onto to my t-shirt nd da way he makes those cute noises wen i sing to him , i luv carrying him around ....bt i have to be very careful ...he's relly tiny i tell u ....he's my little ball of cutenes..:P:P.i call him rolly-polly lol....coz wen i put him on my lap he turns into a lil ball...his tiny legs get curled up all the way to his head ....he sleeps peacefully wen i sing to him...he has entered my life nd relly turned me into a hapii person....he entered my life n relly changed it ... im much more happier dese days ... wen im out im impatient to return home ....impatient to hold him in my arms ...nd to play wid him ....to luk at his sparkiling lil face ...his eyes r like his mothers.... relly tiny ....nd wen he laughs ....it b'cums tinier ....lol....i luv showerin him wid kisses ....common ....u cant relly resist .....:P....i love his smell....he smells gud all da time...except wen he poops ...err....hehe ....he's da 1st tiny-tot whose diapers i have changed ....common i can do dat much fr my baby ....infact i can do nethn for ...him ...he's my lil angel ..who manages to bring a smile on my face ...netime ....all i hope dat ...he's here to stay ...unlike all dose ....who jus walked away frm ..me ...:| .....u noe idz true dat wen 1 person leaves u ..sum 1 else enters to take his place ....neva believed it till....my armaan/zalmai/jelly-belly/roli-poli/chocolate-chip-cookie ....hehehe lol.....entered my life ....:p....armaan was born on 26th november 2008 ....nd i can't thank ..da heavens enuf for sendin him for me ....:) ....idz lovely thing to watch him grw evriday ...ders sumthn new he does evriday ...his form of love is da purest ...his smile ...is da most genuine-est ...i lovee him nd he's da best .....

being nUn.e
She was a normal girl, evrithing about her was probably relly normal....normal face normal body type ....she wasn't all dat fabulous ......i mean even witout a trace of smile or makeup she was extraordianrily beautiful...bt she deserved a 2nd luk..nd she got dat .................... but not in a way a normal girl gets 2nd looks ...she got it ...only because she was wearing a brown uniform ..she was a nun after all she had to wear it ..like she had to all those innumerable stupid things which she was made to do ...like pray to a structure carved outta wood , it never spoke ..never responded ,never cried ,never laughed .....she was made to bow in frnt of a livingless piece of wood....I dont f***king get it ...! ....wen i was a kid i went to a convent , i hated da nuns , dey treated kids like dey were sum kindda disgrace to humankind...i mean dey're kids....kids r supposed to be loved...!! but no ..fr da nuns kids wer sum kinnda enemies ...i can't say all da nuns were crazy....der were a couple of nice ones .....but now i can relly figure ot y dose odr nuns always had a frown ....da simple reason behind dat is dat dey were (are) living a life ...trying to please odrs ...please human kind ...id makes no sense living a life of chastity ...i mean .....ders no harm in it .....bt wenever i luk at a nun ....id makes me feel sad fr dem in sum way .....like dey're jus nt happy ...wen u wish dem gud mornin ,...dey'll reply wid a smile ....bt da smile is neva genuine ...ders a whole lotta tragedy behing dat .....nd i relly cant get it .how a woman can possibly live witout ahem ....u noe wt im talkin bout ....i mean ...idz next to impossible ...(im not makin dis part up i watched it on discovery....i swear!)...bt ...chuck it i relly don't respect dem dat much neways ...coz ...frankly ...even i waned to b'cum a nun at sum point in my life ....or wud( im crazy bdw).... bt i know if i evrrr waned 2 b'cum a nun dat wud only be if im runnin away frm my responsibilities , my dreams , my friends , running away frm freedom ....most of da young galz bcum nuns coz sum of dem want to , sum are forced , sum r jus like i said running away ... ...well...i was once told ....no nuns r relly innocent ...dey kindda find ways to satisfy demselves....u noe wt i mean again !!...... nw im sho ur wondering ..y ive rittn dis stupid pointless ...blog....der r a numbr of reasons
1. idz almost 2 at night nd im nt sleepy .
2.i feel sad wen i luk at nuns .
3. i cant frget da nun i saw 2 yrs back .
4.ppl keep making stupid..stupid mistakes ....nd no matter hw much u try u just cannot erase dem off.....idz like a paint dats sticks to ur body fr da rest of life ....nd it cant be removed no mattr wt ...nd .....da whole point of my blog is ....all of us like da nuns ....have evil desires ...all da tyme ....bt ...dat dusnt make ur relly bad ..... coz like babu sir says .....ders no right nd no wrong ...!!

new year!!..2009..:P:P

da new year has arrived wid new tings to do ....we all go about making new year resolutions ..nd ...i have mine too ...
1.study ...now i relly have to wid 12th ka monstrous boards on da way...i gotta ...sadly enuf ...i have to score well ..nd get good marks to get into a gud COLLege blablabla nd stuff...odrwise my so called life wud be doomed .. :.....i wish i was just free to run away ,nd to roam da wrld ... :P ...
2.to get up early.. no seriously ...before 1 pm ...(like dats ever gonna happen )...lolz ....hehe ..
3.to paint moe often ....now now ...i don't want my talent to be wasted do i !! .
4.to learn da guitar , k man seriously my guitar is hanged on da wall ...feels like ids starin at me ...makin me feel guilty ..since id covered in dust ..lying dead ...w8tn to be played ...nearing idz death ...gosh!...gotta save it ....b4 id ceases living ... :(..
5.now since i joinin a ngo(at T.T)...to do sumthn worthwhile fr da society...no seriously ...i wud luv to ...
6. to learn a new sport or sumthn ...now i relly need to get my lazy ass do sumthn worthwhile ..i don'ttt wanna get Obesseee...:O ..so ..sum dance form maybe ...no just to get active ....type "A"...remembr ...!! ..no dont wry i relly can't imagine wearing stillettos nd being sqeezed in a tight dress where i luk like tire..nd i dont wanna be paired up wid sum noodle stick luking gay guy ....:P
7.to visit a new place ...nethn ...sum wer ive nevr been b4.:).....sumthn exciting....;)
8.to try nd forgive people...who have caused distress to my lil soul .....nd to kinna frget (like i'll eva be able to do dat ...)...no bt relly to just get ovr all da bitter memories.....:o :(
9.to try nd stay original ...nd not turn into a wannabe emo chick...or a barbie doll...:P...hehe...like dat will ever happn ..;p:P..
10. to be single... lolz....
chal yaar ony 10...enuf nah....as if im gonna change....:P:P