for you. You jerk

Another chance.. ?

Well after almost 24 hours it will be the beginning of another year. Another number. More 365 days of change. I believed that 2012 was the most shittiest year of my life .. however i am sure of it.. i am just confident that there is more shitty-ness to come.
Things i am sure of
1. I will definitely have tons of emotional ups and downs( now this is just normal)
2. I will surely find a new job (hopefully i dont end up crying the bathroom when people bully me)
3. I will surely stalk him, cry for him, think about him, maybe get his wedding card .. like is he is age eligible for marriage after all!
4. I will surely make out with a tons of different men.
5. I will surely own a whole lot of new clothes.
6. I will surely learn a new dance form, maybe ill try kathak, well lets see.

Things i hope for
1. I do not get fat coz of the all the fuckery happening around me
2. I honestly genuinely for fuck sake get over him.
3. I hope i get a better job with tons of money, where people dont bully me.
4. I hope one of the guys i make out with is looney enough to actually fall in love with me.
5. I hope to be more courageous.

Things i will believe no matter what.
1. Fairytales do come true. (no..no.. i am not talking about the one where she finds a prince nd lives happily ever after.. I am talking about the one where she learns to stand on her own two feet and become a gazillionaire.... Well it has come true for Ashwin anna who is my idol so ... why not me? )
2. I belong to a family which consists of a breed of really strong women. Women who keep their feet firm no matter what. No one is bendable. I hope to carry forth the legacy.
3. Life is in these silly moments... when i get to witness the most amazing moments...
For example-

• Lady selling vegetable at dharavi (who i'm sure isn't educated bdw) is teaching her grandchild ABCD ...  
• A mother holding on to her child looking all weary yet having that content smile.
• A father having an awkward conversation with his daughter.. .
• His memories .. all of them , the nice ones actually... his hugs... his kisses... his eyes.. all of him! 
• When a random stranger strikes up an interesting conversation. 
• When you discover an amazingly cheap food place with the most amazing food! 
• when you randomly meet new songs and they become your soul-mates for a long long time.

4. To never loose my childish innocence and compassion for everyone, including the ones who get on my nerves.
5. To know that i will get everything i want. All of it. I exist isn't it proof enough, that im awesome!

I hope the new year is as amazing as i have envisioned. 

Responsiveness to stimuli

Unrequited love is the most painful kind of love, it almost kills its victims- (read somewhere but remained with me). I walk and i work like crazy only to keep you off my mind. Tried to forcibly get attracted to a random guy i met in my guitar class. But got rejected there. By the guitar and the guy too. Usshe asked me the other day am i sadist? do i love this feeling.The instrument i wanted to learn desperately. So that i could sing all heartbroken love songs. So that someday we would meet in a party and I'd play , sing along and make an attempt to make you feel guilty. I have immersed myself in my work, trying to keep you off my mind. Those lanes that we walked, those sweet words, the way i held you. I dreamt of you the other day, i dream of you often. Even if we ever meet, actually possibly even get married.You would surely be that mean husband who would treat me secondary to everything. Cheat on me, make me your servant and expect me to fulfill my wifely duties with pleasure. I don't want you back. I don't even want a hug from you. I tried and failed miserably to find someone to replace you. I guess i should get accustomed to getting rejected by everyone. What hurts me the most that i decided to replace you by this instrument i had lying with me. Given to me by my brothers friend. I thought it will help me , being inanimate and all. It doesn't know that I'm in need. Of someone, something that will replace you. But it doesn't make sense. Even a stupid instrument wouldn't help me get over you.Those stupid empty walks which are filled with strangers, some hot guys who catch my eye. Nothing seems to fill up the hole you have left in me. The dent that will never go away. The bruise that will always have a scar. You don't even remember me. I wish i forgot to exist. Forgot to breathe.Forgot to feel this feeling.

*someday i'd like to read this post and laugh at being so silly , waiting desperately to get there.

How much exactly is too much...?

Women are sensitive creatures they say. But are we really? I know a young girl, got married to her childhood love, living with him in a pretty apartment. Owns two dogs. Has a comfortable job. Everything is pretty much great , except , within ten days of her marriage her husband starts cheating on her with a married woman who has a kid. He threatens to leave her constantly, belittles her and mentally abuses her. Makes her work like his slave. Tortures her for dowry. Yet today when he left the house with his suitcase threatening to leave her for the last time, making her cry like mad,  in another hour her calls her to say he is back in the house and asks about her whereabouts she is more relieved than angry. I could sense her weird sense of happiness. Whereas i was plain pissed.

Well made me wonder, are all of us supposed to epitomize the ideal indian woman and forgive our husbands/ boyrfriends even when they cheat? will boys forgive their girlfriends if they cheated. How much do you have to love a person to really extinguish them from your life. Till when are you supposed to hold on and keep hope. Do men really ever see the light ad actually come back to save you to be all yours forever. Is the mental, physical trauma they cause us, a form of love. Are all men just the same and we as the secondary sex supposed to put up with their drama? Am i wrong when being judgmental about a couple's madness from the outside. Are all couples unique with their own set of boundaries. Do people of the same wavelength really find each other? or is it just a myth.

Is adjustment the real way. Did my mother make a mistake by divorcing my father? Did perry make a mistake by letting go himanshu ? Am i making a mistake by stonewalling Choti Ladki?

Will i ever know, i guess time will tell... someday i'll have my answers for sure.

things to do.

1. Try to get up on time. like do yoga and stuff, make fabulous amazing paintings so that i become rich by selling them for gazillion dollars.
2. Get some exercise. Like seriously i need to get rid of the belly flab :\ ill start looking pregnant in some time.
3. GET OVER HIM. which retarded person stays in love with the same freak for more than a year. common   the truth is (could be) that he is shagging some drop dead gorgues hottie whilst i'm stuck watching breakup-feel good movies all the time. I am not looking for love. But staying in love is plain sad. Especially when it's all over.
4. Stop making bullshit theories in my head. Like how i am the anti-Christ or some messiah, or reincarnation of a dinosaur. I day dream so much that i hardly have any concept of time :|
5. Stop hating random women assuming he is dating them. I know this sounds bizarre but then who said i was normal.
6. To not get disappointed coz i still cant play the guitar nicely. (sobs)
7. To plant more plants, now that I've realized i don't kill all my plants .
8. Learn illustrator and Photoshop nicely, like become a pro, be the best in the world.
9. To be nice to guys and men, stop hating the entire race.
10. To stop having random crushes on men twice my age. Trust me its not as twisted as it sounds. I'm talking about johnny depp kind of men.
11. To work on my appearance. I  have so many bad days. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror at times. thanks to him i notice all my flaws.
12. To be poised. Not kill myself before i turn 25 or loose my virginity. After these two things i think i can die peacefully.

Hmm 12 not bad for now . 

Smile for me.

What is a smile anyway ?
Why should i smile anyway ... when i was a kid i thought stretching my mouth to the left and the extreme right and forming a straight line would make a smile. Well, no wonders i looked pathetic in wedding pictures. As i grew up and lost my front teeth, i had a smile paralysis. I couldn't really show people the gap in mouth due to the missing molars. Result: i pursed my lips. Well and that was my smile. Eventually i got my teeth back and well they came back in the most horrible way possible. I had a bunch of crooked teeth inside my mouth. People called me a rabbit. I never understood what a smile is supposed to look like. Are we supposed to show our teeth. Well, i finally grew up and decided to be more social and well smile. I finally let it all out. I smiled without thinking about my weirdness. My bad angles, my crooked teeth. I smiled. with my soul. I could see the shine in my eyes.That's all it takes , a heartfelt smile. It is a weird thing though. Smiling is such a simple concept. Such a natural human behavior. But so uncontrollable. 

the company of loneliness

Waking up to a bad dream is something , but waking up crying for a dream that in some parts is true, well, that is something else. Tears are a weird phenomenon. They come when you least need them. There, to embarrass you. Make you look like a wuss, sentimental freak of some kind. And when you need them, to fake you way through something. They simply decline from making an appearance. A feeling which never goes. Pain which never leaves your side. Helplessness which doesn't improve at all. Feeling like lower than the standards of tiny insignificant mayfly , when you have no money. Not more than 20 rs, even when working. Those lost moments when people enjoy relationships, who enjoy love , sex and well, care. And then feeling like another tiny non-significant creature with a short life span when you see someone having all of these and still cribbing. When did the daily moments become such a struggle. When did i land up on this path. So confusing,  disappointing everyone around. People who you adore are happy to get rid of you and your memories. You hang on to them like a stubborn puppy. World moves on, you lie there. Trying to shake you hands real real fast in an oscillation, to feel moments. To feel that your are indeed a human being. And moments are running so fast. The time that will come has already passed. Times change. They do. don't they?