You are your own

“In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man’s proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours." | Atlas Shrugged

2013 has ended. almost. 

The year went by like water splashed on feet when entering the temple. Raw, energetic, not quite there. Still empty, even when full.
I have progressed in many ways. Days go by, weekends come, Mondays again. The same faces, the same gestures. All hollow inside. 
No i couldn't really start my business. i'll get there.  
People have taken to social media platforms to poke fun at me. My dressing sense is getting calmer i'm sensing. I don't fit in anymore. 
I haven't found love. I haven't had sex. The prospect of making the effort and loving someone is tiring. The aftermath of the relationship presents problems bigger than the apocalypse. 
I don't find sense in smoking, drinking, recreational drugs, expensive handbags, make-up. 
I like indoors, indulging in bath products, hair-products, norah jones, painting, creating and fantasizing about choti. 
I'm Anti-right. I'm me. The people who poke fun, laugh, bitch, put me down, will be. 
That boy who carries my heart in his pocket will regret losing me. 

Maybe i'm growing, becoming my own person. I may be tarnished, bruised, tested. But that won't stop me from being compassionate, calm, rested & hopeful. 

May 2014 teach me more lessons.. This time around i'm not scared. 

Crying in the office bathroom, people with the loud opinions, critics or the bullies.

Watch me. 

Where am I

Crux: The Center: The End. 

I can't believe what i have turned into. Wait actually i can. I'm letting it all happen. Everything happen to me. I have turned into a victim of my own stupid choices. I have a job. I get paid. Everyone bullies me and treats me like shit. I am letting it all happen to me like its all nothing at all. 

I have lost faith in myself. I can't see where i'm headed. I am unsure. I'm still in lust with him. I am a Second-hander. 

With no zest, no money even after earning. I really don't know what going on. It's like a haze. I'm just beding my neck and walking somewhere. Listening to people, taking everyone's shit. 

Everything is a maze. 

What i want to be?

To be left alone, to wake up to dress to choose to do. 

Am i any different from the little kid who entered first class today trying to sell diwali lanters. 

Probably. 

He is like me a Victim of his situation. Being born in a certain family changed everything in his life.

He is dark, tiny, puny , dirty fingers a running nose. 

He probably sleeps on the floor.

I'm Tired, dazed and lost. 

Wondering what the next big trouble will be. 

Running away is all i'm going to do. 

that particular kind of Love

I'd like to lie next to you, and gaze into your eyes. I'd like to stare long enough to know your iris by-heart. So when i paint you, i'd know every detail. I'd like to run my fingers through your hair, ooze in your awesomness. I'd like to hold your hands. I'd like to smell your face. I'd like to cuddle into you. I'd tie some braids. Perhaps even paint your nails. You'd gaze into me too. We'd say nothing at all. Linger there in our happiness. I'd like some more kisses. The hugs to go on forever. The bonds to stay.
You'd lie next to me. Nothing goes on in your head. The pain starts brimming in me. It feels like a mermaid's silent song. The brisk touch feels nothing to you. You have become one with mud. Yet here i am, same old place as before. The price i paid for that delusion madness excrutiates me empties me every day. Yet there you are, gone in a blink of an eye. Far, Far away. On your journey,on your path. Me; Just a sweet sweet dream. And you; You are killing me.
To be held, touched and loved is a hollow dream. Oh the dreams feel empty without you. And i keep wondering always what am i to you. You'd go on. But will i ever? All i'd want to do is to look at you one more time. To believe it exists. But Alas! when will i ever relive this elaborate dream. Those sweet words were a haze, you were a haze. A beautiful story that did not exist. I'd play songs for you, soothe you and make you mine. Oh, be mine. Be all that i want you to be.Waiting for this dream to get over. Will it ever?
The hollow emptiness will consume me. You never give a damn. But, who am i to complain when you don't even know me. 

I wish i was a boy..

I really wish i was a boy sometimes.
Yes, even Beyonce thinks that-way, she's made a song about it and all!
Alas! If i was a boy i could pack my bags and just get into the next train and go someplace wonderful. Without having to worry things like periods and personal hygiene. I would simply brush my teeth at railway stations or take bath and pee and poop in public.
I could wear one pair of clothes, simply reverse my T-shirt and never give a damn. I'd see many women, i'd love so many of them. They would all want commitment. But then how can i commit, that's not what nature has evolved me for. I'm just supposed to take the warm embraces, the loving kisses, those heartfelt gazes and abandon them. Because, really there will always be another girl to fall in love with me.
I could be that bollywood Rockstar and my mama's boy, i'd party all night, sit in the VIP section and fondle as many white girls as possible. I'd then catch a girls sight and damn she would pay no heed, oh but how can she! Doesn't she know me!
I'd make her fall in love with, she cannot resist my charms, we would be all lovey-dowey in public. I'd take her to all my parties, introduce her as my girlfriend. We would have editorials dedicated to our blooming romance. This doe-eyed beauty is mine! Hah!
Well, i wouldn't be able to help it..that girl was so hot, i would have to cheat. I mean my girlfriend would understand, oh wait she will believe me. She would trust me.
I could be that guy who walk away without giving any explanation because what the hell she wouldn't sleep with me.
I could be that high-school jock at that frat party. Hey she was drunk! All i did was click pictures of her and f***** her. That cannot be rape. I would play football. The whole town would be on my side.
I could be married with small kids. Why would she need my time? What school functions? She has enough money for parlor and shopping. She would just have to shut up. She would jump off my flat with the kids. I would just have an affair. That's no reason to kill herself.
I could be that guy who would just stare at her breasts at railway station, buses, offices. Oh but then i wouldn't be able to can't help it! I would be a man!
I would try to grope as many in crowded places. Because damn, she is on the road midst so much crowd. These woman are practically asking for it.
I'd be that guy on the bus with my buddies trying to score some. After all, we work hard, toil so much. We deserve some refreshment. I'd gnaw her, bite her, grope her, rape her. I'd vandalize her in as many ways possible. I'd use an iron rod. Because she was on the road with a guy at night. She deserves this. I'd then throw her and her friend and hope they die.
I'd be arrested but what the hell, i'm a minor. I can peacefully watch television and play. They would recognize me on the outside, but in a three years time who will remember.
I would be that guy who would enjoy smoking up in the ruins on Mahalaxmi with my buddies. Hey! who cares about this fucked up world anyways. I'd tie her up and beat her friend. I'd rape her and boast about my masculinity. I'd click pictures and threaten her. She would be never open her mouth.
I would see the news and try to run. I'd be in Jail. I just raped her.
She was asking for it. She was working. I wouldn't be able to control. I'd be let of easy in a few years and put up a tea stall.

So i guess. This evolutionary game tricked us into believing women are important. We should be killed off as soon as we are born. Oh wait! so half of Indians already do that. So awesome, thank  god those female infants died. They might just get raped eventually. Or mentally torchered because clearly it is their fault they were born.

I really wish i was a boy.

change and control.

I have been watching too much Dexter lately. Screwing and working on myself in a lot of new ways. For example i'm travelling by second class these days. And being subjected whole range of anguish. I cannot deceive myself life has been tough lately. Working hard to setup my business which is going nowhere. Travelling, working trying.. all down the drain. What am i becoming, am i even becoming?
No love life as for now, however i am coming to terms with enjoying myself and the little minuscule things i enjoy doing, like reworking on clothes.
I have worked for sometime, every month i get some salary, sometimes more sometimes less. But no matter how i get it's never enough. How much will be enough?
Makes me wonder my goal of earning bucket loads of money seems quite puny right now. I wish i could just enroll in zillion classes like sitar, french, vocals and just enjoy these things. But that would be selfish after-all i owe to my family to earn money and build a home and all.
I wonder what i will become.
Aren't i something.
Will love ever happen? let's see.
I did get a job in a very fancy company and no one has bullied me yet. It's chilled out here. I'm liking it. I'm clueless about the next step. Wandering soul hunting for that thing that will quench me. Satisfy my thirst.
It's a lot of things but really it is nothing at all.

Oh and i don't love him anymore.It was very simple really. I'm not me anymore. And the reality is that he was. 

Apocalypse of certain moods

"Chandni raateein sab jag soye hum jaage taaro se kare baatein"

My to go song these days. Life changes so drastically yet so silently. Just like still waters. You wouldn't know the strength of the current unless you swim in the opposite direction of it. I am 22. It still is a little unbelievable that i have lived 22 years of my life. He is happily dating. It's been 2.5 years. I made-out with some one i wanted to make out for a long time now. It sucked. Perry's ex kabir is engaged to be married. Very soon all our exes will get engaged. Armaan is growing taller. I'm becoming stereotypical style-less human being. But i haven't given up hope though. On love, Life and things. I've realized one thing life goes by too fast and now it's on it fast forward mode. I had sent a long letter to him on his gmail id. He did not reply. Any normal human being would have perhaps. But, well. 

I found a new job. It's a huge company. Very fancy. I hope i manage to run my business and don't loose my sense of ambition. I hope i loose my virginity this year to someone i trust. I hope i am able to trust. 

I'm glad of the woman i am becoming. I hope the mistakes of today seem like the apt choices for tomorrow. Days come and go by, the really tiny things that happen that you almost miss out on are the ones that stick to you the most. I can't wait to taste success. But in the end isn't it all hollow. Nothingness. Like the black hole. Everything is nothing after all. 

I am at a placid stage at my life. Serene and calm. I am slowly breaking free from the go-oey bitterness that encompassed me and became a part of me for so long. 

I am happy as long as he is happy. I'll find someone i guess, someone who will be cool. And maybe cool enough to make me laugh also. 

I guess i'll wait this time and not be hasty. 

Until then. Breathe. 

The poem ill always look back on.

AFTER A WHILE (Veronica Shoftshall, 1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Then After "after a while" you change and build your hopes again. 
And pray that maybe this time it will be different
 And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have..

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an
armor 

With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise

Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautifulBut it's always worth the wait..


Yesterday perry told me how he keep posting unbelievably happy pictures on instagram, she asked me if i wanted to see. I said no, not because i'd get jealous but i realized that's what i had prayed for so hard once. I wanted him happy with or without me. 
I was a tiny fraction of his life easily forgotten. But i'll never forget him, i still have lots of angst but now that i'm older and wiser i guess it's safe to say that i'm no longer waiting for him to come back and save me. Maybe i'm my savior after all. He will marry, have kids. I may marry i might have kids, o i may not. I may never truly forget him, after all he was my one true love, or i might not even remember his name. 
After all this time, i'm stronger. And i'm proud of myself for loving truly.