change and control.

I have been watching too much Dexter lately. Screwing and working on myself in a lot of new ways. For example i'm travelling by second class these days. And being subjected whole range of anguish. I cannot deceive myself life has been tough lately. Working hard to setup my business which is going nowhere. Travelling, working trying.. all down the drain. What am i becoming, am i even becoming?
No love life as for now, however i am coming to terms with enjoying myself and the little minuscule things i enjoy doing, like reworking on clothes.
I have worked for sometime, every month i get some salary, sometimes more sometimes less. But no matter how i get it's never enough. How much will be enough?
Makes me wonder my goal of earning bucket loads of money seems quite puny right now. I wish i could just enroll in zillion classes like sitar, french, vocals and just enjoy these things. But that would be selfish after-all i owe to my family to earn money and build a home and all.
I wonder what i will become.
Aren't i something.
Will love ever happen? let's see.
I did get a job in a very fancy company and no one has bullied me yet. It's chilled out here. I'm liking it. I'm clueless about the next step. Wandering soul hunting for that thing that will quench me. Satisfy my thirst.
It's a lot of things but really it is nothing at all.

Oh and i don't love him anymore.It was very simple really. I'm not me anymore. And the reality is that he was. 

Apocalypse of certain moods

"Chandni raateein sab jag soye hum jaage taaro se kare baatein"

My to go song these days. Life changes so drastically yet so silently. Just like still waters. You wouldn't know the strength of the current unless you swim in the opposite direction of it. I am 22. It still is a little unbelievable that i have lived 22 years of my life. He is happily dating. It's been 2.5 years. I made-out with some one i wanted to make out for a long time now. It sucked. Perry's ex kabir is engaged to be married. Very soon all our exes will get engaged. Armaan is growing taller. I'm becoming stereotypical style-less human being. But i haven't given up hope though. On love, Life and things. I've realized one thing life goes by too fast and now it's on it fast forward mode. I had sent a long letter to him on his gmail id. He did not reply. Any normal human being would have perhaps. But, well. 

I found a new job. It's a huge company. Very fancy. I hope i manage to run my business and don't loose my sense of ambition. I hope i loose my virginity this year to someone i trust. I hope i am able to trust. 

I'm glad of the woman i am becoming. I hope the mistakes of today seem like the apt choices for tomorrow. Days come and go by, the really tiny things that happen that you almost miss out on are the ones that stick to you the most. I can't wait to taste success. But in the end isn't it all hollow. Nothingness. Like the black hole. Everything is nothing after all. 

I am at a placid stage at my life. Serene and calm. I am slowly breaking free from the go-oey bitterness that encompassed me and became a part of me for so long. 

I am happy as long as he is happy. I'll find someone i guess, someone who will be cool. And maybe cool enough to make me laugh also. 

I guess i'll wait this time and not be hasty. 

Until then. Breathe. 

The poem ill always look back on.

AFTER A WHILE (Veronica Shoftshall, 1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Then After "after a while" you change and build your hopes again. 
And pray that maybe this time it will be different
 And you hold on to that hope because in the end that's all you really have..

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an
armor 

With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise

Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautifulBut it's always worth the wait..


Yesterday perry told me how he keep posting unbelievably happy pictures on instagram, she asked me if i wanted to see. I said no, not because i'd get jealous but i realized that's what i had prayed for so hard once. I wanted him happy with or without me. 
I was a tiny fraction of his life easily forgotten. But i'll never forget him, i still have lots of angst but now that i'm older and wiser i guess it's safe to say that i'm no longer waiting for him to come back and save me. Maybe i'm my savior after all. He will marry, have kids. I may marry i might have kids, o i may not. I may never truly forget him, after all he was my one true love, or i might not even remember his name. 
After all this time, i'm stronger. And i'm proud of myself for loving truly. 

A baby step

Okay so i havnt really sold anything as yet. But i'm proud because i'm changing my old lazy ways. Here's my new society6 store. :)
Hope i can make some amount of money and get the much needed exposure!
http://society6.com/Noodlesstore

Dotblankdot

Its funny how people discard you when you no longer serve their illusions.

drained, emptied and battered.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/to-you-2/

a lot of weird things happened this week. This article was one of them. Some one wrote this i don't know who. But this is closest to what i feel right now. Like the waves on the beach my feelings for you keep altering. Maybe i'll never truly get over you. Maybe you are the one true great love of my life. My secret one sided love obsession with you might never end. I give up. After one and a half years of intense struggle, i put my white flags up. I loose choti lakdi, you win. You have forgotten and moved on. I cant do the same. I'm stupid. I guess i can do nothing about it.

You win man.
I'm a stupid girl who fell in love with you.

Why it sucks being the poorest person in your family and devising ways to find happiness.

Well, the title was going to be just "why it sucks being poor" and the whole post was going to be me lamenting about my financial status, lack of social status and therefore lack of any sense of identity.
But no. Enough with the negativity already. Its not like i'm the happiest person on the planet. But i'm just tired of pinpointing the numerous shortcomings of weird coiled life.

Okay so here goes the list ,

1. Dress up. Now being poor obviously means the lack of fabulous outfits. But that's no excuse for the lack of style. So to tackle this, you can always DIY. Yes, my dearies, DIY is the answer to all our problems. There are plenty , i mean lots of ideas out there. And there are lot's of creative women who happily share these ideas. Make most of them.

 Well as you can see i made some pretty hearts on a dull grey jacket. :) This is me vending my frustration. A healthy outlet don't you think?

2. Make lemonade. Okay so being poor also means you cannot afford tropical fancy fruits and make fancy looking drinks out of them. So, you can always dig in the refrigerator for some lemons and make lemonade.
And well, you can dig some more and you might actually find some alcohol. Well, to funk it up , you can always add tiny amounts of different alcohol to your lemonade. Similarly, you can add all kind of weird spices in your kitchen and learn to make amazing-ly weird drinks!! Voila! or at-least a funny looking drink. Well, just don't add stuff that would make you die.

3. Pretend to be a yogi and meditate. hmm. well if everyone out there is a loner like me, then you'd like spending time indoors. Now, what do you do when your crying so hard that you forgot the reason why you're actually crying. And when you stare at your face in the mirror, you wonder how funny you look. So, you can obviously find some candles in your house make a huge circle, sit in center, in the dark, light them all, close your eyes, and pretend to see the divine white light everyone talks about. You might end up thinking about rubbish but that fine. After ten minutes you might want to simply stare at the candles and try to play stupid games like how fast you can move your fingers through the flame without getting burnt. just don't really get burnt.

4. Read thought catalog. It's kind of peaceful to know that there are equally miserable people out there. Obviously there are bigger problems in life like, earth ending, alien invasions, weird looking species getting killed and wiped out, global warming and loads of other stuff, but being in a rut and stupid relationship crap gets to you.

5. Buy a nice smelling soap and bathe. Well expensive shower gels are out of the question when you poor. So you give yourself the luxury of enjoying one nice hot bath. Stay in as long as you want. use the whole bar of soap. Make as many froth hairstyle's you like. Dance in the shower. Masturbate as much as you like.

6. Dance. yes i know baz luhrmann said it i'm saying it again. Just put on the radio and dance alone. throw yourself into wacky music and just hop around. My favorite wacky dance number is super-freak.

7. Sketch. I know one of the disadvantages of being lazy is that you cannot bring yourself to do any thing. But this doodling is fun. You don't have to buy fancy looking leather bound books. Just grab some old book with few blank pages. Find a pencil, and there you go!! for starters i'm sure there are all kinds of fascinating people around. Start by doodling their faces. Develop characters.

8. Develop a stupid hobby. Like mine is to pick buttons. Yes i love picking buttons from any damn place. Not mind you people i do not buy them . I just pick it up from the road. Well it's not weird. You can pick stones if you like. Be proud of you're silly little hobby.

Well this is it for now. Try to somehow revive energy. And try to live it up. Trying is everything. Poverty at-least in my case is not by choice. Being born in a broken home with no support except monthly alms from your rich family members is not really that great. You end up being labelled as a gold digger and your automatically the inferior leper no one wants around them. Your boyfriend also dumps you because you simply poor and cant afford most of the things.

But trying to to move on from being in this state matters. Having a plan and not let bullshit intimidate you, matters.

Even stones are in the state of becoming.